Lockhart IS Better
by LLF
Summary: The story of Abby and Richard. A relationship....a secret....and a decision.....with Luka on the horizon.
1. Chapter 1

'Lockhart Is Better'

"So is Lockhart your name or his?" Abby turned to look at the doctor working in the drug room with her.

"It's his," she said as she crossed her arms over her chest. "But I'm keeping it because it's the only good thing I got out of the whole mess."

"Why? What was your name before?" She hesitated a moment.

"Wyczenski..." she drawled. Dr. Luka Kovac chuckled.

"You're right," he said with a smile. "Lockhart is better." Abby shook her head and went back to preparing the meds.

_Chicago - 7 years earlier_

It was probably the most perfect wedding ever. There were tons of family...well...his family. Their friends. Her mother was there and on her meds. Her brother, Eric, had given her away. The white dress. The church. Everything fell perfectly in to place. They were young. Foolishly in love...and lust. They had goals. She had just finished her nursing program and had actually found a job. He was up to his ears in med school. She would work and support them until he was finished. Then it would be her turn. They would buy a house. They would start a family. Richard wanted a boat. She wanted...well...she hadn't really decided yet. She loved being a nurse. Couldn't wait to get to work. But now there was the honeymoon to look forward to.

Abby looked across the reception room and dance floor and caught Richard's eye. He was talking with his mother and an aunt. His smile melted her heart as he held up the flute of champagne in a private toast. His mother saw him, turned to look at her and smiled. Abby loved his family. His mother. His dad. His sister and brother. And they loved her. They had accepted her so fully and without question. She wasn't sure they understood about Maggie...or even knew for that matter. They hadn't seen her off her medication. Not even Richard knew the full story of what she had endured growing up with a bi-polar parent. Maggie was far away in Florida most of the time.

"I can't believe my son would leave you all alone so close to a dance floor." Abby grinned and turned to look at her new father in law. He looked just like Richard. Just a little grayer. Ruggedly handsome. David Lockhart extended his arm to his newest family addition and waited for her to take it. Abby smiled and let him lead her to the dance floor. For now this was a perfect time. She was young, beautiful, in love...and happy. For now.

"You're drunk..." Richard slurred later as he looked up at the woman poised over him on the bed in the honeymoon suite. Abby giggled and set the empty champagne flute on the table next to the bed.

"So are you..." she said. He chuckled and nodded. His hand reached up to the back of her neck and he drew her closer for a kiss. She felt so good. She was sweet. She was sassy. She was a hot little number in bed. He'd found that out not long after their first date. And she had a way of getting under his skin. He couldn't stop thinking about her. They were good together. For now.


	2. Chapter 2

Abby Lockhart sighed and went over the charts of her patients. She liked OB. She'd put in a year and a half doing scut work with the elderly patients on the geriatric floor. Being there made her even more grateful for the nurses that liked it. Some people were cut out for different things. They'd liked her. Really, really wanted her to stay on their floor. But she had transferred as soon as it was humanly possible. The dementia really got to her. It was too much like what she'd grown up with. OB was better. It was joyous. Occasionally it was tragic...but most of the time there were happy endings and happy families.

Happy families. Her thoughts meandered to Richard. They were happy too, weren't they? They were meeting friends at a bar after she was done with her shift. Young couples. Like them. Med students mostly. She felt kind of out of the loop when she was with them. They were all dealing with internships and residencies. She was dealing with interns and residents. Whole different stories to tell. If anyone was really interested. Mostly she sat and listened...and drank. Richard was a part of it all. He laughed and joked and traded stories. He hugged her, teased her and tried to draw her into it too but it only made her more aware of the differences. He saw them too. She knew he did. She was 'just a nurse'...and they were all...well...something different. Something more.

"Abby...your patient in three is calling for you," an aide said as she passed the desk. Abby sighed and picked up her stethescope. She headed toward the labor room and opened the door. A very young...too young...father to be looked up at her with a worried look.

"Something's happening," he said as his girl friend groaned form the bed. Abby looked at the fetal monitor and then smiled patiently. She pulled back the blankets and looked at the boy across the bed.

"She's in transition," she said. "This is really the toughest part. Wanna help me move her to her side?" He nodded quickly and stood up.

"Sarah?" she said to the girl whose eyes were squeezed shut. "You'll be more comfortable if we move you on your side and prop some pillows here and there." The girl groaned in response but let them turn her on her side. Abby plumped a pillow and slipped it between the bed rail and the patient. She gestured to the boy and he hurried around the side of the bed.

"She's having some pretty intense back labor," she said. "It might help if you rub her back like this...right here." He nodded and grimaced worriedly as he pressed a hand gently to Sarah's back.

"No...like this." Abby pressed her hand against his and demonstrated for him. She patted his shoulder and nodded as her rubbed her back.

"It's going to be a little while yet," she said. His face fell and he rolled his eyes. Abby chuckled. She leaned over the bed.

"Sarah," she said. "I'm going to get you some ice chips. I'll be right back." The girl nodded and groaned again. Abby smiled encouragingly and left the room. She sighed heavily and then went to the phone. He answered on the first ring.

"Richard..." she said.

"Oh don't say it..." he moaned. Abby grimaced and rolled her eyes.

"I have a patient..."

"And you can't leave..." he interrupted. "You know, Abby, I am getting pretty tired of this."

"So, go without me."

"I feel like a third wheel. There are other nurses," he pleaded. "Get someone else to take the patient."

"It's not like that on OB," she said. "You know that. I can't leave them. Just go without me. Maybe I'll be able to come later."

"Yeah...sure." She heard the disappointment in his voice. Somehow it kind of pleased her. They were so busy sometimes and went their separate ways. It was nice to know that he was missing her. Like she was missing him? She didn't know if she really did anymore. Most of the time she came home to a quiet apartment and she was dead tired. It was pleasant to pour a drink and relax...alone. For now.


	3. Chapter 3 Maggie

"Eric...no!" she was practically shouting into the telephone.

"It can't be helped, Abby," her brother said emphatically. "They're sending me overseas."

"But what about her job there?" Abby was shaking with anger.

"She quit her job two weeks ago." Abby grimaced and pulled the phone away from her ear and shook it.

"She's off her meds? Shit!"

'You've got Richard to help you," Eric said. "I don't have anyone." Just the entire US Air Force. Damn him.

"Do not let her come here, Eric," Abby said emphatically. "I swear to god I'll..."

"She's on the bus to Chicago right now," her brother said calmly. "She should arrive sometime tomorrow evening. You'll have the whole weekend to hash things out with her. Look, I've gotta go. I'll call you. I promise." Abby jammed the cordless phone back into it's recharger and squeezed her arms around her chest in a horrific hug. Maggie. Maggie was coming here. Most likely off her meds. She couldn't cope with that right now. But when was it ever the right time to cope with it?

Abby sat by the telephone waiting for her mother to call when her bus arrived at the station. Richard was at his hospital when the call finally came. Fortunately. Abby drove her car to the bus station and sat watching through the windows for a few minutes. Maggie was there. She was flighty. She was hyper. Her hair was frowzy and choppy. When had she gotten it cut? She was all over the waiting passengers and bus station attendants. Abby cringed as Maggie wrapped her arms around the huge security guard that seemed to be watching her and keeping her at a distance from the unsuspecting disembarking passengers. Abby shook her head. Any chance that guard would want to follow Maggie around all the time? Probably not.

Abby opened her car door and hurried in to the station. She waved slightly and Maggie ran toward her.

"Hi baby girl!" Maggie shrieked as she threw her arms around her. Abby smiled and hugged her for a brief second and took the bag Maggie was carrying. The guard nodded grimly and Abby led her mother out to her car.

"It's so good to be here...it's hot in Chicago...is it always this hot in Chicago in the summer? It feels like Tampa. Well, maybe not as humid as Tampa." Maggie's mouth was going a mile a minute with no chance to respond to anything she was saying. "Eric thought I should stay in Florida but I thought...no...no...this is the perfect opportunity to visit my baby girl for a while. They're sending him overseas, Abby. To a war zone...do you think we should be worried or is he going to be safe? He's training to be an air traffic controller now. I don't know how he is going to do that. I mean, keeping track of all those planes flying over head. Can you imagine?" And on and on and on. Abby sighed wearily and pulled the car into the traffic and headed toward their home. Maggie was definitely off her meds. And for how long this time?


	4. Chapter 4 Holiday

" It's Labor Day, Abby. It's the only big party that my parents ever throw. The entire company will be there."

"So, no one will miss me."

"My mother will miss you," Richard said firmly. "My father will miss you." He adjusted the expensive sun glasses on his head and tucked the green and white striped polo shirt into his pressed jeans. New shoes. Perfectly dressed to play host next to his father and mother. She shook her head.

"I'll call them and explain," she said as she took a sip from the beer bottle in front of her. She lifted a section of the paper in front of her and studied...nothing.

"Oh, that's rich," he chuckled. "And what are you going to tell them? Sorry I can't be there because my nut case of a mother hasn't left her apartment that I am paying for in the last week?" Abby eyed him calmly and took another sip of her beer.

"Exactly..." she said. Inside she was seething. What an ass. Richard threw his hands up in frustration.

"Geez, Abby," he said. "She has been running us ragged all summer running here and there, starting and quitting job after job, yammering on a mile a minute and now she's quiet. Nothing is going to happen in the next few hours." She was silent as she folded the paper in front of her on the table and took another drink from her beer. Richard shook his head in disgust. It wasn't even 10 o'clock in the morning and she was on her second beer.

"Oh...what the hell," he sighed heavily. "I guess I will see you...whenever." He slammed the door behind him as he stalked out. She sighed heavily. She really didn't want to go. She'd worked a shift and dealt with a difficult labor and delivery last night. There were other things she needed to do. His parents would understand. Maybe.

It was a very short El ride to Maggie's building. They had selected it for that very reason. Abby used her own key and let herself into the apartment. She strained to see in the darkened living room and crossed to the windows to open the drapes. The room was flooded with sunshine and she sighed as she turned around. It was a mess. She gathered up the dirty dishes and carried them in to the kitchen sink. On a hunch she opened the refrigerator and stepped away from the stench of rotting food. Maggie had unplugged it again. Sometimes in her paranoia, she became convinced that someone - or something - was trying to poison her food through the electrical lines. Abby found a garbage bag and emptied the contents of the fridge into it. She set the bag by the door so she would remember to take it out with her.

She gathered up clothes for the hamper as she made her way to Maggie's bedroom. She rapped softly on the door. She opened it and wasn't surprised by what she saw. It was a sight she had seen too many times in her life anyway.

"Hi, Mom," Abby said quietly as she dropped the dirty clothes into basket Maggie used as a hamper. She rounded the bed and opened the curtains at the window before she sat next to her mother. Maggie was huddled in a fetal position on top of the quilted coverlet. Abby scooted next to her and carefully brushed a strand of dark hair away from her mother's face. Maggie's eyes squeezed shut tighter.

"Go away, Abby," she said. "I don't want you here."

"I know, Mom," she said. "Come on. We're going to get you in the shower."

"I don't want a shower, Abby..."

"I know, Mom. Come on now." Abby pulled her into a sitting position on the edge of the bed and Maggie protested weakly as Abby relentlessly hefted her to her shoulder and helped her move into the small bathroom. She sat her mother on the toilet and pulled back the shower curtain so she could get the water running. She eased the stinky nightgown from her mother's torso and tossed it back into the bedroom toward the basket. Maggie's head drooped almost to her waist. Abby gazed down at her for a second and then held her head gently against her chest. She smoothed Maggie's hair and kissed the top of her head. Maggie's arms moved slowly around Abby's waist in a hug.

"I don't deserve you, Abby," she began to cry. "You're my angel..."

"I know," Abby said flatly as they rocked together slowly. "I'm the best there is." She reached her hand into the shower stream and then helped Maggie into the tub.

When she was showered and dressed again, Abby drew a hair brush through Maggie's damp, dark hair and sighed.

"I need to go to the store for eggs, bread and ketchup," she said. "Why don't you take a nap right here on the couch while I'm gone and I'll make us something to eat when I get back. Scrambled eggs or something." Maggie didn't respond. Abby pressed a kiss to the top of her head again.

"I love you, Mom," she said with a heavy sigh. She picked up the trash bag by the door and left without a backward glance.

Abby took her time at the market. She bought eggs, bread, ketchup and a few canned goods. Things she knew her mother would like. She carried the bags back to Maggie's apartment and let herself in again.

The couch was empty. Just as she had expected. She set the bags down on the kitchen table and then made her way to the bedroom door. She didn't knock this time. She just opened it slowly.

Maggie was gone. Just as she had expected. The drawers of the dresser were open and empty. Abby leaned back against the door frame and sighed. She knocked the back of her head against the wood for a moment and then headed back into the kitchen. She crouched down and opened a cupboard door. She reached way back and brought out the bottle of Scotch that Maggie kept hidden there. She set the bottle in the middle of the table. Then she opened the pantry door and reached behind the boxes of sundries and her fingers found the neck of the whiskey bottle that was hidden there. She carried it to the table and set it next to the scotch. Mechanically she reached for a glass from the cupboard and wiped it clean on her shirt. She sat at the table and stared at the liquor bottles for a long moment. She set the glass in front of her and opened the whiskey. She poured the glass half full and carefully lined the whiskey bottle back next to the scotch. She lifted the glass and studied the liquid inside through the flowered pattern on the outside of the glass. She lifted it to her lips and began to drink.


	5. Chapter 5 Mackinaw

Mackinaw

They were walking their horses side by side along the long deserted road. Richard stopped and held a branch from a tree higher so she could pass without being slapped in the face. Abby held the reins lightly in her hand and urged the gentle horse forward, confident that he knew where to go better than she did. The trees overhead were a shower of green and gold and orange. Sunlight filtering through gave the trail and almost magical aura. It was warm in the sun and yet a little nippy in the shade. Typically autumn in northern Michigan. Richard caught up to her, glanced over at her and smiled.

"Beautiful, isn't it," he sighed. Abby nodded and smiled. He tipped his head toward a sun dappled hillside nearby.

"Wanna stop for a bit?" Abby nodded and drew her horse to the side of the road. They dismounted and tied the reins of their horses to low branches of nearby trees, taking care to see that the horses would be able to graze. He took her hand in his as they climbed through the fallen brush and fauna to the sun warmed spot and sat down in the grass. Abby took a deep breath and looked around. It was late September. Richard's parents had taken a house on Mackinaw Island for one of the very last weeks of the tourist season and brought their entire family for a vacation together. Rebecca and her husband had come as well Richard's younger brother, Ryan. Abby hadn't wanted to come. After Maggie's departure, all she wanted to do was stay home and enjoy the peace and quiet. Get back into the work and home routine. Richard had talked her into coming. Insisted that she come. And he had been right. It was a good thing. Something they needed to do.

Richard slipped the backpack off his shoulders and set it on the ground in front of him. He glanced at her playfully and unzipped the pack. He pulled out a blanket and she laughed as she helped him spread it out in the sun. She sat back down and swept the sweater she wore over her head and readjusted the tee shirt she wore under it. He sat next to her and pulled out a bottle of wine, a small box of crackers and a container of cheese squares. She held the crackers and watched as he rummaged around in the pack.

"Damn," he muttered. "I forgot those cups." He shrugged and peeled off the wax and used a cork remover to open the bottle.

"Guess we'll just have to share," he said with a grin and lifted the bottle to his lips. He took a long drink and offered it to her. Abby grinned and lifted the bottle to her lips. The pungent, spicy, warm wine washed over her tongue and down her throat. She swallowed and then handed the bottle back to him. Richard took another drink and then settled back onto the blanket in the sun. Abby watched him for a moment and then laughed as he pulled her down next to him.

"God...this is great...," he said. "No pagers, no patients..." He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "I've missed you." Abby was silent as she ran a hand over his sun warmed chest. He pressed a finger lightly to her lips.

"Don't look now but we're being watched." He pointed carefully off into the woods and she lifted her head slowly. Three deer stood in the shadow of the trees watching them, totally unafraid as they nibbled on the grass and plants on the forest floor. Abby smiled and raised her head to look up at Richard. Her chin came to rest on his chest. He was watching her and his smile faded slowly. Her brown eyes studied his dark gray ones and then she drew herself up his side to his face. Richard's hands slipped up under her tee shirt as she kissed him. He pulled her closer and then the tee shirt was slipped over her head as his mouth sought her nipples. Abby groaned softly and clung to his head and they rolled over on the blanket. Her fingers traveled through his hair and gripped tightly as he moved on top of her. His tongue played with one taut nipple and then the other as she reached down his back to pull his sweater and shirt off as well. His hands were at the clasp of her jeans and suddenly they were open and pulled down over her buttocks along with the panties she wore. The blanket was rough on her bare back and bottom but it didn't matter. All that mattered was Richard and what he was doing to her. Her mind was spinning and whirling because she had forgotten. Sheesh. Had it been that long since they'd done this?

Richard's fingers were massaging and molding and exploring. He rubbed and squeezed the skin and muscles along her rib cage and across her back. He lifted his mouth to her's and she held it there with her hands on the sides of his head. Their tongues twisted together and explored one another. She gasped as he pulled away and then his jeans and shorts were gone.

"What if someone comes by?" she asked as she took her boots off and kicked her own jeans from her knees to the grass.

"They won't...tourist season is over," he sighed and then he was at her again. His hands held her knees apart and his fingers did their job there. He was smiling down on her as her body seemed to have a mind of it's own. She squeezed her eyes shut as she could feel the waves beginning to build within her. She was slick with desire and a fine sheen of sweat began to build all over her. He was grinning as her body began to arch against the blanket, her tight little navel reaching toward the setting sun over and over.

"Where are you?" she moaned and opened her eyes. Richard was grinning as he rose above her, his knees spreading her legs apart. She frowned as he entered her slowly...very slowly. Too slowly. He reached for the wine bottle and lifted it to his lips as he studied the frustrated look on her face and felt her body trying desperately to enclose him. He stopped her legs from encircling him. He pulled back a little and Abby screeched at him.

"Stop it..." she cried. "Damn you. You're teasing me." He nodded a little and then carefully poured a dribble of wine at the base of her neck and between her small heaving breasts. Abby shivered and glared up at him with flushed cheeks. He bent his head to taste the wine mixed with the sweat of her skin and Abby groaned again. She clutched at his back...his firm buttocks...and dug her short finger nails into his skin as she pulled him closer to her. Richard laughed and began to stroke...slowly and carefully...never quite going the full limit and she was becoming angrier and angrier. This was his game. She'd forgotten. He was in control. She hated that about him. She needed him and she hated him.

It was nearly sun down when they went back into town again. He left her at the house and took the horses back to the stable. She was braiding her long hair into a single plait as she walked through the house. Everyone was gone. Apparently Becca, Nick and Ryan were out to dinner. She found her mother in law relaxing in one of the white wooden lounge chairs on the deck. She was resting and looking out over the dark choppy waters of the straights. Abby could make out the lights of the Mackinaw Bridge in the distance.

"Oh, hi sweetheart," Jacqueline Lockhart smiled as Abby kissed her forehead. "Did you and Richard have a good ride?" Abby almost choked but nodded, suppressing a smile as she moved to the rail of the deck and looked over the water. She glanced down into the yard and saw her father in law, with a glass of liquor in his hand, chatting over the fence with a neighbor. A female neighbor. An awfully friendly female neighbor.

"It's a bit chilly out here, wouldn't you say?" Jacqueline said as she pulled a blue and white sweater that was covering her knees to slip it over her shoulders. Abby sat carefully in to the chair next to her and stretched her legs out on the lounge.

"We missed you at the company picnic on Labor Day. I would have enjoyed spending some time with your mother." Abby took a deep breath and chuckled lightly.

"Oh...I'm not so sure about that. She was in a depression cycle at that time," she said. Jacqueline frowned slightly and looked at Abby.

"My mother has bi-polar disorder," Abby said quickly. "She has manic and depression swings when she isn't taking her medication." There. She'd said it.

"Is that the sort of thing that runs in families?" Jacqueline asked curiously. Abby's heart thudded and she turned to look at her mother in law. Why would she be asking that? Was she worried about Abby or about grandchildren? Jacqueline's blue eyes were wide, her thick white hair cut into a short flattering bob and held back from her face with a thin black headband.

"My grandmother was prone to depression," she explained. "My mother was as well. I always wondered if it was a...family thing...or something else." Abby nodded in understanding and shrugged her shoulders.

"Oh, I did so want out of that house when I was young," Jacqueline went on. "I took the very first opportunity that was handed to me." Abby watched as her mother in law smiled down at the wedding band on her finger. The smile faded and she looked back out at the water thoughtfully. A Great Lakes freighter was passing by. It's horn sounded mournfully across the water in the dusk. She sighed heavily and her eyes swept down to the yard where the sounds of flirty laughter drifted up to them. Abby studied Jacqueline's grim face and then her mother in law smiled a little as she looked over at her.

"Oh don't get me wrong," she said. "I have had a good life but there are just some things that are hard to bear at times. He is actually very affectionate with me...after...well." She picked Abby's hand up in her's and squeezed it warmly.

"Don't let anyone push you into something you aren't ready for, Abby," she said. "You make sure...very sure...that you are the person you want to be before..." Her voice trailed off and her blue eyes welled with tears.

"I am just so very afraid that the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree, my dear," she said. "I'm sorry about that. For you, most of all." She squeezed Abby's hand again as Richard came out from the house.

"Hey, girls..." he said brightly as he kissed his mother's cheek and took Abby's hand in his. "What do you say we barbecue steaks again tonight? I'm hungry as a horse!" Jacqueline and Abby exchanged wary smiles. Abby began to chuckle as Richard nuzzled her neck and tickled her while his mother looked on and laughed.


	6. Chapter 6 Fault

**Fault**

Abby rocked on the covered toilet seat lid and stared at the plastic stick in her hand. It was Maggie's fault. Of course it was. In all the mess of the summer weeks...in the midst of the melee of mood swings... she'd forgotten to refill her birth control pills. Forgotten them all together. For months. She hadn't worried about it too much. She and Richard had hardly had the time to do anything in a while. Until September...when Maggie left. Until Mackinaw. Oh geez. It was then.

Abby searched frantically for the little calender she kept in the bathroom drawer with her tampons. She found it and her cheeks burned as she opened it to September and then counted the weeks. Four...five...six...seven...eight...how could she have been so stupid? Her breasts had been tender for days...no...weeks. Nine...ten. She was nine weeks for sure...maybe ten. She closed her eyes and shook her head because she had seen enough ultra sounds at work to know what the baby looked like right now. Damn. No wonder she'd been so nauseated at Thanksgiving dinner. She'd thought that it was brought on by Maggie's little 'episode' about the oysters Jacqueline had included in the turkey dressing. So had Richard. He had known that including her mother in a celebration with his family would be disastrous. His mother hadn't listened.

Richard. Shit.

How was he going to take this? It was too soon. A baby hardly fit in the plans he had for them. Practice...house...boat...baby. She knew the mantra. He'd recited it often enough in the last four...almost five... years. He was going to be furious.

She looked up in a panic as there was a soft rapping on the bathroom door.

"You okay in there?" he asked. Abby bit her lip.

"Uh...yeah," she answered. "I'll be right out." She stuffed the pregnancy test back into it's box and then back into the bag she'd carried it from the hospital in. She put the bag at the very bottom of the trash can and covered it with the trash it already held. She shook her head and stood up at the sink. She turned on the cold water faucet and filled her cupped hands with water. She splashed it carefully on her face and then reached for a towel. She wiped her face and then gazed for a long moment at her reflection in the mirror. She shook her head and sighed heavily. Shit.

He was setting the dinner table with plates and silverware when she made her way out of the bathroom. There were take out containers on the counter and smell of Chinese suddenly hit her like a brick wall. She held up her hand and then hurried back into the bathroom. She shut the door and quickly raised the toilet seat she'd been sitting on just moments before. He didn't wait for her this time. He opened the door and leaned against the door jamb watching as she wretched again and again, losing the contents of her stomach into the toilet. Abby tore off a length of toilet paper and wiped her mouth. She glance up at him as she tossed it into the toilet and flushed.

"You're not pregnant, are you?" he asked as she stood up. Abby snorted.

"No...of course not," she said as she looked away. "It's just a touch of the flu." Richard gazed at her thoughtfully for a long moment.

"Good," he said as he turned and left her standing alone in the bathroom. Abby shook her head.

Shit.


	7. Chapter 7 Decision

Decision

When the full realization of what was going on inside of her body hit her, Abby was consumed with emotions and raw physical feelings. Back and forth. Reeling. Fright. Energized. Stupidity. Anger. Nausea. Sleepy. Tingling. Hate. Fleeting moments of wonderment. Insomnia. Exhaustion. She went through them all. Many times. Hour after hour.

She went about her usual activities. Work. A little tougher now to handle those newborns and think that maybe...maybe they could... She thought about telling Richard. Hundreds of times. Always...always that thought was followed by the look on his face as he watched her in the bathroom. Good. He'd said it. Good...when she told him she wasn't pregnant.

They were working odd hours and never seemed to see each other as the next couple of days slipped by. She came home from the hospital one day to find him on the telephone. He was stretched out on the couch with his feet on the coffee table. She swatted them down playfully and he straightened and shifted uncomfortably as if he hadn't expected to see her. His eyes met her's and he held up a finger as he finished the conversation quickly. Abby sat on the coffee table in front of him and waited.

"What's up?" she asked as he hung up the telephone.

"Medical convention in St Louis," he said. "I was just confirming my travel plans."

"Oh," she said as she leaned forward to kiss him. "When is it?" She frowned and studied a small discolored spot on his cheek. Richard cringed a bit under her gaze and swiped his hands over his face. He stood up and moved carefully toward the kitchen door.

"I'm flying out Thursday night and I'll be back on Sunday," he said. "You're working this weekend, aren't you?" Abby shifted and crossed her legs. She was still wearing her pink scrubs from the hospital.

"I could get it off, if you wanted me to," she said. "I could go with you." Richard grimaced and shook his head.

"Naw. It wouldn't be much fun for you," he said. "Go ahead and work." He turned into the kitchen. She frowned a little and followed him there. He opened the refrigerator and pulled out some lunch meat and bread.

"I thought we could go out tonight," she said as she leaned against the door and folded her arms across her chest. "Maybe get some pasta at that little Italian place? It's been a while. It would be nice to talk." Richard shook his head and pulled a plate out of the cupboard.

"I'm really beat, babe," he said. "I just want a sandwich and a couple of hours of mindless television. Wanna watch a movie with me?" Abby shrugged and nodded. She was disappointed. She watched his back as he finished making his sandwich and carried his plate to the door. He stopped and looked at her and she realized suddenly that she was blocking his way. She smiled up at him and he bent unsmiling to press a fleeting kiss to her cheek. Abby stepped aside and then sighed when he sat down on the couch and she saw that he'd left everything on the counter. Everything for someone else to clean up.

They watched a movie that he was enjoying more than she was so she went to bed early. She slept fitfully. Too much going on in her head. Babies being born. Crying. Maggie. Huddling in a closet with Eric when they were little. Keeping safe from Maggie during one of her rampages. Bathing her depressed and unresponsive mother in the bath tub. Worrying for months with no information about Maggie's whereabouts. Richard... .poised over her with a sneering smile on his face and the blue sky and sun behind him. Dressed in a tux at their wedding. So handsome. Dancing wildly hand in hand with Maggie in front of a mural they'd painted on the living room wall. Depakote. Lithium. Pills and pill bottles spilling through her open fingers and bouncing on the floor around her feet. Maggie's face, seemingly larger than life and laughing at her. 'Your babies will be just like me...wait and see!' Depression... depression... depression. Her mother in law's voice echoing...'my grandmother was prone to depression and so was my mother'...my mother...my mother...my mother...

Abby sat up in bed suddenly and was gasping for breath. She was bathed in a cold sweat. She looked around for a moment and didn't realize where she was. It was dark. Richard was stretched out beside her on top of the covers on the far side of the bed. She turned to read the numbers on the alarm clock. Three a.m. She closed her eyes and battled to still the nausea that was swirling in her head and stomach. She swung her legs quickly over the edge of the bed and hurried toward the bathroom. She flipped on the light and shut the door carefully. She barely made it to the stool and landed on her knees. She hugged the toilet bowl and puked quietly again and again. When she was finally able to, she wiped her mouth on a bit of toilet paper and flushed the toilet. She sat back on her bottom and leaned back against the wall. She stretched her pajama clad legs straight out in front of her and gazed down at her still flat stomach. She slipped the pajama bottoms down below her navel and pressed her hands against her bare skin. She carressed her belly gently as a huge sob began to grow in her chest. It threatened to choke her and she bit her lip to still the noise. Tears began to slip down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry..." she whispered softly to her belly. " I am very, very sorry. I can't do it." She sat there for a long while with her hands moving protectively over her belly and her head back against the wall.

A little while later she switched off the bathroom light and made her way silently back to their bed. She slipped under the covers and nestled her head into her pillow.

"You really need to see someone about this flu, Abby," Richard said quietly. "You can't seem to shake it."

"I'll make an appointment tomorrow," she said. "I'll take care of it." She waited for him to respond. Was he really that oblivious to what was happening to her? She felt him turn on his side away from her and pull the covers over his shoulder. She sighed slowly and closed her eyes... but sleep wouldn't come.


	8. Chapter 8 The Clinic

_I have debated long and hard about posting this chapter. It contains a graphic and emotional scenario of Abby's abortion experience. Please be aware of this before you read it. _

**The Clinic**

Abby was wound tighter than a spring and trying very hard not to look at the two other women in the waiting room. She flipped through the magazine in her lap quickly and tried to still the pounding in her head and rolling in her stomach. This was the right thing to do. She was sure of it. She had never been more sure of anything in her entire life. They all looked up as the door opened and a nurse glanced into the room.

"Gail?" she said. "Gail Wyscenski?" Abby nodded and dropped the magazine on the end table. Her knees were shaking and rubbery as she followed the nurse into the hall with the exam rooms. They stopped at a scale and Abby stepped on as she was weighed.

"Have you had anything to eat or drink today?" the nurse asked as she made a notation on the chart. Abby shook her head. She handed Abby a plastic container with a blue top and opened a bathroom door.

"I'll wait for you right here," she said. Abby nodded and it was just a moment before she opened the door again and handed the nurse a urine sample. They went into a large room with curtained areas and the nurse led Abby to an open section with a bed and chair and pulled the curtain around them. Wordlessly she pulled a heavy plastic bag from a cupboard and handed it to Abby. She nodded toward the hospital gown that was folded on the bed.

'You can disrobe now and put your things in the bag," she said. "I'll go run the pregnancy test and the doctor's going to want to do an pelvic exam first as well." Abby nodded. The nurse bustled around at the counter in the little space and then turned with a small cup of medication and a glass of water.

"Valium and Vicoden," the nurse said. Abby hesitated and then took the cup in her hand. She stared down at the pills and then looked up at the nurse.

"I really think I'll be okay," she said quietly. "I don't want it." The nurse frowned a bit and then nodded.

"Take the Vicoden," she advised softly. "It will help with the dialation cramping." Abby nodded and took the selected pill with a sip of water. The nurse left and mechanically she began to take her things off and fold them neatly. She slipped them into the bag along with her shoes and socks. She tied the strings of the hospital gown at her neck and waist. It had to be longer but seemed like only a moment before the nurse appeared again with a wheelchair.

Abby sat in the chair and she was wheeled through another door to a hall lined with exam room doors. They stopped at an open door and the chair was pushed inside. The nurse chattered pleasantly about the unseasonably warm weather as she turned the chair in the exam room. Abby stood up and made her way to the exam table. She hitched herself up on the paper covered table and looked around. Clean. Sterile. Nothing to read. An old calender poster on the wall. Strawberry Shortcake. Sheesh. Couldn't they afford something nicer?

The nurse put the wheelchair back in the hall and then got a paper sheet out of the cupboard. She smiled as Abby eased herself back onto the exam table. Abby scooted down to the end as instructed and winced a bit as her bare heels were guided into a pair of high stirrups. The hospital gown was folded up around her belly and the sheet spread to cover her.

"The doctor will be right in," the nurse said brightly and the door was opened and she was gone. Abby shifted uncomfortably on the table and folded her arms behind her head. Her hands were shaking. She was shivering but not at all because she was cold. Why had she refused the valium? She was startled when the door opened again suddenly and the doctor came in. Abby was relieved. It was a woman.

"Hello, Gail," she said as she put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm Dr. Montgomery. Let's take a look and see what we have here." Abby nodded and let out a slow deep breath as she heard the squeak from the wheels on a stool and the sheet was pulled back from her feet and folded around her knees. Her eyes widened as she looked at the ceiling and she blew a soft breath out as the doctor did a pelvic exam. She looked up and folded her hands back over her stomach as the doctor returned to her side.

"Your pregnancy test was positive and your cervix looks as though you are about 11 weeks along. That's exactly what you said during your counseling session, right?" Abby nodded. Dr. Montgomery nodded and smiled.

"Okay then," she said. 'Let's get started." Abby nodded and her cheeks burned. She folded her arms behind her head again and stared at the white tiled ceiling. Her heart was pounding in her chest. The door opened and she heard a cart being wheeled into the room. There was a rustling of plastic ripping as a dialation kit was opened. Stop thinking about this, Abby. Think about something else. Anything else. God. Richard would kill you if he knew this was happening. Wouldn't he?

"Speculum..." She grimaced as it was inserted as gently as possible, opened wide and locked in place. There was cooling sensation as an antiseptic was swabbed inside her vagina.

"A little pinch or two." Abby winced again and tried not to move as she felt the numbing medication being injected into her cervix several times.

"Sorry about that..." the doctor said quietly. "Here's the tenaculum to hold the cervix in place." Another pinch.

"Cervical dialators..." Abby's fingers were tapping the back of her head and then her eyes widened slightly at the intense cramping she was beginning to feel. She pulled her arms down and pressed her fingers gently to her stomach under the drape. The vicodin wasn't much help at all. She stifled a groan and concentrated hard on just staying still. Five to ten minutes to dialate, they had said. Time was creeping by. This was hurting. How much longer?

"Cannula..." Tears filled Abby's eyes and she closed them quickly. She swallowed. This was it. She felt the smooth aspirator as it was placed deep inside her. She heard a switch and a soft whirring sound filed the room. She could feel a strong tugging sensation inside as the cannula was swept over the surface of her uterus. The doctor's hand was pressing lightly on her lower abdomen. It seemed to go on forever and she squeezed her eyes shut as the cramping intensified. Her head was ringing. There was a buzzing in her ears. She heard Maggie's screaming rants about Abby not caring enough. The mad camp outs in the middle of the livingroom. Being chased with a knife for daring to visit her father. Choosing a college to attend that was as far away from her mother as possible. That awful scene at Thanksgiving about oysters in the dressing. And Jacqueline's voice too. "My grandmother was prone to depression...make sure...make sure...make sure..." The whirring stopped and Abby's eyes opened. She listened as the doctor spoke with the nurse in a hushed tone. Abby knew they were examining the torn tissue from the suction machine. Tissue torn from her uterus. Her baby. No...not a baby. A 'fetus'...right? Abby was suddenly horribly nauseated.

"We need to do one more sweep, Gail," came the voice from her feet. "Just to be sure." Abby nodded again, swallowed the nausea and waited for the whirring sound again. The strong tugging sensation. The cramping. And then it was over. The cannulla was gone. The speculum was removed. The door opened and the cart was wheeled out. The door closed. Another pelvic exam and her feet were carefully removed from the stirrups, a thick sanitary napkin was positioned in place and the sheet was draped around her. The doctor helped her scoot back up on the table and then sit up carefully.

"Everything is fine," the doctor said. "You're no longer pregnant." Abby's heart squeezed tight. Her eyes met those of the doctor. Kind eyes. Non-condemning eyes. Abby nodded slowly.

"Any nausea, breast tenderness or fatigue that you may have been feeling due to the pregnancy will be gone in a few days. You should have some spotting and cramping but ibuprofen should take care of that. I also have an antibiotic that I want you to take. Two scrips, okay? Follow up in 10 days?" Abby nodded. Maybe. Dr. Montgomery patted her arm.

"The nurse will take you back to your curtain and you can rest for an hour so we can watch for any complications. If you are up to it, you can resume normal activities tomorrow...but go easy on yourself for a couple of days." Abby nodded again and then the doctor was gone. And so was the baby.

She waited for an hour. She actually slept for a little bit in the easy chair. Vicodin could do that. She called a cab when she had been given the go ahead to leave. She paid her bill - in cash.

The apartment was dark and quiet when she opened the door with her key. Richard was gone. The medical convention in St. Louis. She had the weekend off. She had planned it this way for a reason. She padded into their bedroom and dug through her drawers to find her flannel pajamas and then stopped. She sat wearily on the edge of their bed and slipped her shoes off. She took off her clothes, dropped them into the hamper and just wrapped herself in her chenille bathrobe. She walked out to the kitchen and put the tea kettle on to heat. She opened her favorite box of select teas and fingered the edges of the packages absently for a moment. She dropped the box onto the counter and bent down carefully to open the cupboard door. She pulled out Richard's bottle of Jack Daniel's and poured a liberal amount into her tea cup. She lifted it to her lips and then stopped.

"Make sure you are the person you want to be, Abby..." she heard her mother in law's words in her head. "Make sure..." The person she wanted to be. Just what was that anyway? After a moment, Abby took the tea cup and the bottle of whiskey to the kitchen sink. She poured the contents of both of them down the drain. She went into the darkened livingroom, curled up in the corner of the couch and began to cry.


	9. Chapter 9 Change of Plan

**Making Changes**

"Medical School? Why?" Richard was incredulous as he looked across the table at her. "I thought you liked being an OB nurse." Abby sighed. He'd arrived home late last night from St. Louis. A day early. He'd told her the convention hadn't really held his interest. How very like him to make a decision based on **his** likes and dislikes. She thought for a moment. Did she like being an OB nurse?

"I do," she said. "I've just decided that I want to do something else. I've always wanted to be a doctor, Richard. I just got...sidetracked... while you went to med school." Richard stood up and carried his breakfast plate to the sink. His eyes lit on the empty Jack Daniels bottle. He picked it up and waggled it in her direction.

"I see where this is coming from now," he said with a sneer. "Did we drink our weekend away or something?" Abby's blood began to boil.

"Fuck you, Richard," she said as she stood up. "I didn't drink it. I poured it down the sink."

"Uh huh..." he nodded. Abby glared at him.

"What about our plans?" he said quietly after a moment. "Remember? Practice...house...boat...babies?" Abby swayed forward and grasped the back of a chair at the table. Her face was ashen. Her newly emptied uterus began to throb. Babies.

"How are we going to pay for medical school...again?" He set the empty liquor bottle on the counter and folded his arms across his chest. Abby sighed.

"I thought I could use the money we've been saving for a down payment. We could live here for a while longer," she said quietly. "I'll keep working a few shifts at the hospital to put it back. I'll..." Richard shifted uncomfortably.

"That money is gone," he said. Abby's mouth dropped open.

"What?"

"I used it for an investment that didn't pay off," he shrugged.

"Without asking me?" Her shoulders sagged.

"I don't have to ask you, Abby," he said defensively. "That money was mine. I earned it." Her eyes widened.

"What are you saying?" she said. "So this place is mine because my pay checks pay the rent? The cars are both mine?" Richard straightened as she advanced toward him. She twisted a corner of his shirt collar in her fingers.

"This shirt is mine because I paid for it?" Richard pulled a way from her.

"My mother gave me this shirt for my birthday," he said. He shook his head at her.

"We don't have to change anything, Abby," he said. "I like our life just the way it is. We have plans. I want to stick to them."

"Screw your 'plans', Richard," she said angrily. "I am going back to med school next term and you are going to find a way to make that happen." Abby turned on her heel and headed toward their bedroom. Richard watched her go and sighed heavily. He picked up the Jack Daniel's bottle and tossed it absently from one hand to the other.

Okay...spitfire...fine. He could foot the bill for one term. She wasn't going to make it much past that anyway. Abby really didn't have it in her to be a doctor. It was too tough. She'd give up. That's what she did when it came to tough. She always gave up.


	10. Chapter 10 Comes the Dawn

"Comes the Dawn"

Abby lifted her head from where it rested on her elbow folded over a text book and stack of medical journals. She looked up at the clock on the wall and groaned. She'd slept all night at the table again. She sat up and glanced over her notes. She shook her head. At least she had managed to finish her notes before falling asleep. She'd be able to actually write the paper tonight. She gathered everything into a file folder and stood up from the table and stretched wearily. She could hear Richard in the shower.

She went to the coffee maker on the counter and poured the remnants of the old pot down the drain. She hesitated a moment as she held the empty pot under the spigot in the sink. A wicked smile crossed her lips and she turned the hot water on full force to fill the pot. She counted to five and then grinned as a stream of violently angry curse words filtered through the bathroom door. That would teach him. He refused to help her study. Anything. It was infuriating. He'd said that the 'Great Gods of Medical Schools created study groups for a reason.' But she was second in her class overall...no thanks to him.

She filled the coffee maker with water and added a coffee ground filled filter to the basket, set it in the pot . She put the pot in it's place and flipped the switch. It would be a few minutes yet but her nose could already smell the aroma of a much needed fresh cup of coffee.

She was standing against the counter sipping a steaming cup when he finally came out of their room. He was dressed in a suit for work and had his brief case in hand. Neither of them said a word but his eyes met her's and he shook his head. He set the brief case on the table and snapped it open. He went through some of the papers and rearranged a couple of files. He sighed and snapped the brief case shut again.

"Sabotaging my shower was a pretty shitty thing to do, Abby," he said. Her eyes widened innocently.

"Did I do that?" Richard's eyes narrowed and he shook his head.

"Rather childish actually." She was silent as she took another sip of her coffee.

"Don't wait up for me..." he slipped his arms into an expensive coat and then picked up his briefcase.

"I'm not going to be home tonight anyway," she said. Richard stopped short and looked at her questionably. Abby shrugged. "I'm going to a meeting and then I'm scheduled for a night shift."

"Another meeting?" .

"Keeps me from drinking," she shrugged.

"And you want to do that...why?" Abby chuckled sarcastically.

"Being a drunk and going to med school do not walk hand in hand, Richard," she said. "You never thought I would make it through one semester and in two months I will be a third year. Why can't you be proud of that? Proud of...me?"

"Maybe because paying for med school...again...is keeping us in this dump," he said as he cast his eyes around the apartment. He picked up his brief case and then left. She waited until she knew he would be safely on his way to his office before she stepped into the shower. She stood still for a long moment and just let the hot water splash all over her before reaching for her shampoo bottle. It was empty. And so was his. Shit. Talk about childish.

The meeting was...another meeting. She had been attending regularly and listening for three years...since the weekend she'd poured the bottle down the drain. She didn't like to refer to that weekend as being the time of anything else. It was too painful. She tried sharing it once. She never went back to that meeting group again.

OB was slow for a change. She really wasn't needed. She decided to head home to work on her paper there rather than in the call room. They would page her if something came up.

The lights were on in the apartment when she opened the door. Richard's coat and brief case were thrown over the couch. She sighed and picked it up to hang in the closet. Then she noticed the red stilettos next to the couch. They weren't her's.

She looked up as Richard came out of their bedroom clad in his bathrobe. He was startled to see her there.

"Abby..." he breathed as their eyes met. Abby's eyes shifted to the laughing woman who was following him, wearing her bathrobe. For a long moment the three of them just looked at one another in silence. Finally Abby spoke.

"Well, she's a little prettier than the last one, Richard. How much is this one charging you?" Richard rolled his eyes and fell back against the door jamb. He glared at Abby with a forced grin and shook his head.

"What...did you say?" the leggy blonde behind him said. He scowled and then turned to push his...friend...back in the bedroom and closed the door behind them. Abby stood still for a longer minute and then slowly made her way to the kitchen. Methodically she filled the tea kettle and set it on the stove. She turned on the burner and took a mug from the cupboard and reached for her box of tea bags. They were on a shelf next to a bottle of Scotch. How interesting that he would think to put the liquor next to her tea bags. She hesitated for a long moment and then grabbed the box and slammed the cupboard door. She stayed there waiting for the water in the kettle to boil and for the sounds of Richard ushering the woman out of the door. She heard the apartment door open and shut and then open again. She knew he would be standing there when she turned around. She leaned back against the counter and folded her arms across her chest.

"So how many other whores have you screwed in our bed?" she asked.

"Abby..." he said slowly.

"All those times I would come home to clean sheets and pillow cases," she scoffed. "I thought you were just being a helpful husband."

"Well, maybe if you'd been a wife I wouldn't have needed anyone else." Her eyes widened. The look on his face said that he was immediately regretting that remark but he went on.

"You were the one that decided you had to go back to school, Abby. You're in class. You're taking shifts when you're not meeting with a study group. You go to your AA meetings all the time. You are chasing down your mother." His gray eyes narrowed accusingly. "You haven't exactly been around that much." He ducked as she threw the ceramic mug in her hand at his head. The mug crashed against the wall and hot tea splashed to the floor and dribbled down the wall paper. Richard backed away as Abby headed toward the door of the kitchen and him. She turned and disappeared down a hall and into the bathroom. She came out with clean sheets and her bathrobe. She dropped the sheets on to the couch and threw the bathrobe at him.

"You can get rid of that," she spit angrily. "Oh...unless you want to keep it for anyone else you have sleep over." She started shaking the sheets out and making a bed on the couch.

"What are you doing?" Richard sighed. Abby's brown eyes were flashing.

"I have no intention of sleeping in that bed with you ever again," she said. She stopped and looked at him. "I guess what I want is...out. I want a divorce."

"Abby..." he said quietly and tried to take her hand. "Don't make that kind of a decision right now. It's not that big of a deal." Abby stepped back and held her hands up in front of her to stop him.

"Eight years," he said quietly. "How can you say you want to quit something that has lasted eight years? We need to talk about this."

"Eight and a half, Richard," she said as her voice trailed off. "And as you pointed out, we stopped talking a long time ago." She went back to tucking the sheets in and spreading an afghan from the couch over them. He gazed at her sadly for a long moment and then went into the bedroom and closed the door. Abby watched him go out of the corner of her eye and then sat carefully on the couch. She didn't regret what she had said. She knew this wasn't the first woman he'd cheated with. Her mother in law as much as told her that three years ago. It was her choice to ignore it then. She had hoped it would get better. But he was right about her not being around. It was easier not to be. She didn't have to look at him and think about what she had done. The secret she carried. It was just...easier.


	11. Chapter 11 Court and County

_Okay...so I took a little liberty with the timing of things. I think Abby was still married when she began her ER rotation...and the divorce took place in the summer, not in the winter when this chapter takes place.. Also, I borrowed some dialog from the season 6 episode 'Abby Road'. Hellloooo Luka!_

Court and County

It took months, sometimes years, to plan a wedding. You had to find the right minister and church, the perfect reception location, photographers, caterers...the perfect dress. Even the wedding ceremony could possibly last an hour...to begin a marriage. It took 20 minutes in front of a judge and the bang of a gavel to end one.

Just like that. Eight and a half years of her life were over. Good years? Some of them. Others...well... Abby did not hesitate for a second when her lawyer showed her where to sign the paperwork. She never once looked at Richard. He looked at her however. Just before he signed his name to the divorce decree, he scowled at her. She could feel it.

Abby knew that her lawyer wasn't really happy with the settlement she had agreed to. She didn't really want anything. She didn't contest his desire to keep the condo, his car, the furniture...even though her salary had paid for most of it. Whatever he wanted, she gave to him. All she wanted was her med school tuition. Which he fought tooth and nail. Said she could earn a reasonable living on her own while attending school but in the end, even his lawyer said it was not an unreasonable request. She had supported him through medical school, his internship and residency. And she was third year after all. It wasn't like it was going to last forever. Tomorrow she would start her first hospital rotation cycle as a medical student. She had waited a long time for this. And it was perfect timing. The end of one thing and the beginning of another.

Abby stood up from the courtroom table and turned around. Richard was huddled in the back with his dad and his lawyer. His mother stood off to the side a bit and was watching her. She smiled wistfully when their eyes met. Jacqueline raised her fingers to her lips, kissed them and then tipped them in Abby's direction. Abby smiled a little and nodded. She knew. She understood.

Outside the courthouse she took a deep breath and decided to walk the blocks to the el station. It wasn't that cold and her new place was just a short ride to the hospital from there. She has a whole day and night before she needed to report for her ER rotation. She hadn't really spent much time in that department but she had heard all of the hospital gossip about how crazy it could be. She was actually looking forward to it.

They were terribly shorthanded and the middle of an onslaught of flu victims when she arrived to report to the admit desk. The desk clerk brushed her off as she spoke on the phone with someone about a flu shot. Abby looked up as a nurse in familiar pink scrubs rounded the entry of the admit desk.

'Abby!" she said. "Did they send you down here?"

"Uh, yeah..."

"Ah...I was wondering when they were going to send us some help," she said. Abby was confused.

"Carol..." she said.

"Hathaway!" It suddenly came to her. Thanksgiving.

"Yeah, you were my OB nurse."

"Right! Twin girls...how are they doing?"

"Oh, just great," she said. "Sleeping through the night...just not at the same time." Abby shook her head and chuckled.

"I don't know how you do it."

"Well, it's not easy," she sighed. "And neither is managing 36 patients when you're short two nurses." They started down the hall dodging patients, med students, residents and doctors. All the while Carol kept a running diatribe of the treatment nurses got from med students and residents. Abby was beginning to get a little uncomfortable with the misunderstanding. She stepped aside as a gurney was pushed in from the door with a little boy in a snow suit.

"Can someone take this? We've been waiting for ten minutes. Todd Sullivan, five," the EMT said. "Took a nasty header while sledding. Mom's on her way."

"I lost my teeth," the little boy said as he held up a plastic jar.

"Aw sweetie, don't worry," Carol said as Abby glanced into his mouth. "I bet they were your baby teeth."

"He's avulsed his front incisors," Abby said quickly as she followed alongside the gurney. "He'll need a C-spine and a head CT."

"Yeah, if we can find a doc to order it," Carol sighed as she looked around.

"I can do it."

"What?" Carol stopped.

"Med students work up patients, right?" Abby said .

"Yeah."

"I'm a third year. I start my ER rotation today." Carol stopped and stared at her as Todd's gurney was pushed into an exam room.

"You're a med student?" Abby shifted and shrugged her shoulders.

"What can I say? I crossed over to the dark side." She ducked in to the exam room after her first patient and left Carol standing in the hall.

She put her winter coat in the call room and changed into her lab jacket. She was examining Todd's CT films when an attending entered the trauma room.

"And what do we have here?' he asked in a jovial, heavily accented voice.

"Sledding accident," Abby said as she turned away from the light board. "His facial films are clear and I paged an oral surgeon to come down and take a look."

"Should we update his tetanus?" Carol asked.

"He had one a year ago," Abby offered.

"I guess not," the attending said as he smiled a little at her. "By the way, I am Luka Kovac." Abby was dumbstruck for a second. Those eyes...

"Abby Lockhart. I'm a third year." She shook her head a bit and tugged nervously on the stethescope around her neck.

"Another new resident in the middle of the year?" he asked.

"Well, I'm a med student," she replied with a sigh.

"Oh..." He was smiling at her. Their eyes met and he grinned wider.

"Another half gram of ancef?" Carol interrupted.

"Oh...uh...Abby?" Dr. Kovac tipped his head and looked at her again.

"Yeah...sure. Sounds good," she said.

"Okay," he smiled. "Nice job." Abby watched him go and then turned back to the nurses across from her.

"Wow, " she said. "We never had doctors like that up in OB."

"Yeah, easy on the eyes, isn't he?" Haleh chuckled.

"I'll say," Abby laughed. "Is he single?"

"He doesn't talk about his personal life," Carol said flatly as she drew up the meds for Todd.

"Oooh...tall, dark, handsome _and _mysterious," Abby sighed as she started gathering up the sponges and papers covering the blanket on the gurney.

"What are you doing?"

"Cleaning up," she said.

"I got it," Carol said flatly.

"Don't be silly."

"No, really, I've got it," Carol insisted.

"Okay." Abby dropped the papers into the bowl on the bed and headed toward the door. She turned around

"Uh, Carol," she said. "I'd love to see some pictures of your girls later. "

"Sure..." Carol replied. Abby sighed as she left the room. The friendliness seemed to be gone. She headed back to the admit desk which seemed to have calmed a bit.

"Check out my fever," an intern in dark scrubs said as he snagged her arm. She pressed a hand to his forehead and then was pulled away by the ER department head.

"Eh, Malucci, leave her alone," Dr. Weaver said and pulled Abby away. "Abby?" Abby nodded.

"Aw, give me a break, Chief," he said.

"Yeah, yeah...suck it up," she said and led Abby toward another doctor.

"Abby Lockhart, third year...Mark Greene, attending," she said.

"We've met," Abby said as they shook hands.

"Okay, good...I'll see you tomorrow," Dr. Weaver sighed as she turned to leave. "That is if I live through the night..."

"So she wasn't hallucinating?" Dr. Greene asked.

"No, I'm a med student."

"And an OB nurse..."

"I take a shift occasionally," Abby said. "To pay the bills." He erased a patient's name from the white board.

"Well, welcome to the glory that is the ER," he said. "Anyone given you the three dollar tour?" Abby looked around in dismay and double stepped to keep up with him as he took her on a quick tour of the admit desk and procedures and then through the various treatment and trauma rooms. He was throwing out names as quickly as they walked. Malik, Yosh, Carter, Cleo... She was a bit dismayed and yet found it a bit comforting. Dr. Greene was obviously in control and a calm center in the midst of the ER havoc. They stopped in the treatment room where Todd was still waiting for the oral surgeon and she looked at his chart.

"Still hurting, Todd?" she asked.

"A little," he said.

"We gave him four of morphine," she said. "Can we give him two more?"

"Sure," Dr. Green said. "Are you sure you need this tour?"

"Can't hurt," Abby said with a smile. And they were off again.

It seemed like days before the shift was finished. Abby was exhausted. And frustrated. And feeling a bit overwhelmed. She may have gotten a wee bit over her head already. She headed up to the hospital roof and stood looking over the lights of night time Chicago for a long moment. She lit up a cigarette and leaned against the side of the wall and shook her head.

"Hi." Abby turned around. It was an intern from the ER.

"Hi."

"You're the new med student, right?"

"Yeah," she said. "Abby Lockhart."

"I'm Lucy," the intern said as she approached the wall. "Nice to meet you. So how was your first day?"

"Uh..." Abby grimaced. "Well, let me put it this way. I haven't had one of these in two years." She held up her cigarette. Lucy laughed.

"What happened?" she asked.

"It was more like what didn't happen," Abby sighed as she stamped her feet in the cold. "Up in OB, I would deliver a baby and deliver a baby and then deliver a baby. Today I was puked on, spit at, bit...and then I tricked a psychotic woman and...almost killed a guy." Lucy laughed again.

"That sounds about right," she said. "And fortunately in the ER, 'almost' doesn't count." She opened a battered metal lunch pail and picked out a few dollar bills and dropped them over the edge and into the street below.

"What are you doing?" Abby asked.

"Patient's last request," Lucy said. "Come on, toss some. Might make you feel better." Abby looked into the lunch box and tipped her head. She dropped some of the money into the wind.

"Shouldn't we say a prayer or something?"

"I don't think so," Lucy said. When the lunch box was empty they stood for a few minutes and just looked out over the city. They hurried back inside, out of the cold and headed toward the ER again. They walked out through the ambulance bay together and separated at the street. Lucy hailed a cab to head back to her student housing and Abby turned to the el tracks. There was a little bounce to her step again. It had been a long day. Tiring. And yet invigorating. Her medical career as a doctor was really beginning to happen.


	12. Chapter 12 About the Money

_Dialog borrowed from Season 7's episodes 'Homecoming' and 'Mars Attacks'._

Abby stood in the doorway to the trauma room dumbfounded as she stared after Kerry Weaver.

'Your clerkship has been revoked by the registrar...late tuition notice...you are no longer insured to see patients..." she'd said. " "Turn your ID and lab coat in to Frank and leave." Her temper boiling inside, Abby turned on her heel and stalked angrily through the busy corridor toward triage waiting room She jerked her lab coat off and threw it at the admit desk.

"Hey, what's that for?" Frank cried as the coat hit him in the chest. Wordlessly, Abby headed toward the doors and bumped into Luka Kovac.

"Whoa," he said as he stopped. 'Whoa!"

"Sorry," she said without looking at him. "Sorry..."

"Abby, wait..." he said. "What's wrong? Abby?" She ignored him and strode through the ambulance bay toward the street. Where could he possibly be? Hands on her hips, Abby looked up and down the street with her mind racing. His office? Probably not. Too late in the afternoon. She wouldn't have the vaguest clue where to find him at Northwestern. No, she would go back to her apartment and get her car. He was a creature of habit. She was bound to find him someplace familiar.

She found him at the driving range. He was lining up his club to hit a ball when she strode up behind him and shoved him.

'You selfish son of a bitch," she cried. Richard was caught by surprise but turned and smiled a little when he saw her.

"Well, hello, Abby," he said.

"Is this fun for you or something?" she cried. "Or is it like an addiction? Do you wake up every morning and think 'how can I screw Abby today?" Richard shook his head incredulously.

"Okay, what's the problem?

"I just lost three months of med school - three months I can not make up!" she screeched. "THREE months! And that puts me exactly one year behind in my residency."

"This is about your tuition..." he said calmly and pulled a ball closer with his club.

"Yes, it's about my tution," she cried as she kicked the golf ball away from him.

"Calm down...I was going to call you. The IRS disallowed our home office deduction and they were going to hit us with a huge penalty..." She wasn't listening to him.

"I don't want to hear one more lie or lame excuse out of your arrogant... condescending...mouth! This was important to me and you knew it and you ruined it!" She kicked his bucket of balls and they bounced all over the tee off block.

"Could you be just a little more dramatic?" Richard sighed heavily.

"I put you through med school and you were supposed to put me through med school!"

"You didn't put me through med school," he said as he picked the balls up off the artificial green. "My student loans put me through med school..."

'I fed, clothed and sheltered you..." Her eyes rolled impatiently.

"...along with the loan for the house and your condo, two cars..." he was saying.

"And don't forget the apartment for the whore," she said. "Because I assume that you are cheating on the whore with another whore?"

"All right...just stop it." He straightened and looked around to see who was standing near.

"No," she said. 'You stop it!"

"I didn't make you unhappy and depressed and miserable," he said quietly. 'You did that all by yourself."

"Screw you, Richard"

"Right! Screw me...'

"Screw you!" Abby took his expensive clubs out of his expensive golf bag and threw them onto the green.

"You were the one who decided that you wanted more..."

"You cheating...spineless...spiteful ass..."

"You decided that you wanted to change your life... Are you done?"

"'No!" she cried. "You are in violation of our divorce agreement. I'm hiring a lawyer and I am getting my tuition money." She turned and stalked away.

"Oh..great!" Richard hollered after her. "Oh Abby! Why don't you do me a favor and take it all? Take the debt with you!"

"Shut up...jag off," she muttered as she strode to her car. She sat fuming in her car and watched as he gathered up his clubs and put them back into the bag. What was she going to do now? She glanced at her watch. Too late to call anyone but she was going to have to get back on the roster to take regular shifts at the hospital again. She was going to be needing the money soon.

Back at her apartment, Abby took a long soak in bathtub and tried to put the day out of her mind. The day? How about the last six months? She had loved her work. Loved being a med student. Loved the people she encountered...patients and personnel. Dr. Greene was her mentor. Luka Kovac, a friend. Sweet and helpful. And caring. She'd helped him work on a dead elderly patient for a little while so the husband wouldn't blame himself for not getting her to the hospital faster. There had been some horrible days...wonderful friends...testy situations. The stabbings. She had lost a friend when Lucy Knight died. Probably the very worst of it, though, was John Carter. Turning him in for using the drugs intended for patient care. She had agonized over that. And now everything that she loved, everything she had worked so hard for, was gone. Thanks to Richard.

She got out of the tub and wrapped herself in her warm chenille bathrobe and dried her hair. She wandered out into the livingroom and sat on the couch to go through her mail. Bills...bills...and more bills. She stopped for a moment and looked pensively at the heavy cream envelope that she had moved to the top. There was no return address. She knew what was inside. She had three more just like it stashed in her table drawer. They came pretty regularly...at the beginning of every other month. Five hundred dollars. One bill. No note. Abby hadn't spent the money because she fully intended to return it. She wasn't sure how to do it without hurting Richard's mother. She knew that Jacqueline saw it as the only way she could help her. Maybe make herself feel better about what Richard had done? Abby opened the envelope and fingered the crisp $500 dollar bill inside. So now she had two thousand dollars. Would that pay a lawyer's fees? She put the money back into the envelope and opened the drawer in the end table next to her. She lifted the papers inside and slid the envelope to the bottom of the pile with the others like it. She shut the drawer and then sighed heavily as she looked out the window at the rapidly darkening sky. She reached for one of the medical journals on the table. Might as well make good use of this time off.

It was three days before she was able to get back on the OB nurses' rotation schedule. She hadn't been there for 20 minutes when she took a page from the ER. She went looking for Dr. Weaver and found her in a supply room.

"Dr. Weaver, " she asked. "Did you page me?" Kerry Weaver smiled and handed her two glass blood receptacles.

"Yes...Abby!" she said. "I need those in exam room four." Abby was confused.

"Why am I here?"

"We're short nurses," Kerry said.

"I'm an OB nurse," she responded.

"Are you planning on going back to med school?" Kerry asked as she led Abby down the corridor.

"Yes...but..."

"You might as well work down here in the ER" she said. "You'll see more medicine down here that as a nurse than you will upstairs."

"But..." Abby shifted the glass bottles in her hands and stopped walking when Kerry turned around.

"I am offering you a learning opportunity that will put you way a head when you come back as a student," she said impatiently. Abby blinked as Dr. Weaver turned and walked away.

"Which is only going to take me about two more years..." Abby sighed heavily.

"It's really not so bad down here, Abby," Dr. Kovac said as he looked up from the charts he was reviewing. Abby grimaced.

"Oh, yeah?" she chortled. "Compared to what?" He shrugged and she shook her head.

What a shift. Someone who had tried plastic surgery with kitchen shears to create Dr. Spock ears. A biter...who bit her. Massive numbers of casualties - in costume - from the Sci Fi convention center after a stage collapse. She was helping Dr. Kovac by reluctantly sewing in a chest tube - a med student responsibility - when Dr. Weaver stepped into the trauma room. She'd taken the brunt of that exchange. Four Japanese businessmen who'd over done it a bit at a contaminated buffet. She was all over the place. Abby this and Abby that. "Abby can you"...and "Abby will you"...

She headed out to the ambulance bay for a much needed break and found Luka Kovac sitting on the bench. He looked up and smiled when he saw her.

"Hi," she said.

"Hey..." He slid over on the bench and made room for her.

"You're pretty popular today, eh?" Abby shook her head and settled on the bench next to him.

"Yeah," she chuckled. "What's that all about?" She took her stethoscope from around her neck and laid it across her knees. They both looked up at the sky for a second.

"I'm everybody's favorite nurse, " she said. "But that's the problem because as a med student I screwed up everything. Even things I could do with my eyes closed." She crossed her legs and shook her head slightly. Luka grinned and sighed.

"I think it's all up here," he said as he tapped his forehead. He looked at her for a moment and then tapped her crossed knee with his fist.

"You are a good nurse, Abby," he said. "But you would be a great doctor. It just takes a little...confidence." He held up his pinched fingers and smiled. She was looking at him as he spoke and getting more and more lost in those eyes. Darkly lashed and twinkling. Long dimples flashed in his cheeks as he spoke. She leaned forward and impulsively and quickly kissed his lips. Her eyes widened when she realized what she had done. Luka grinned shyly and looked down at his feet.

"Oh, my god...um...I'm sorry," she chuckled. Luka smiled and nodded.

"I think I'd better get back." Her face reddened with embarrassment as she stood up. She was almost glad to hear Chuny call her name.

"Uh...yeah," she said as she spun around.

"You have a code brown on Mr. Pozoni," Chuny said.

"Again?" Abby turned back and looked...everywhere except at him. "How much can a guy eat? Uh...I gotta go." She looked at him at last and laughed as she waved and went back inside.

"Talk to you later..."

"Bye," he said.

"Bye," she laughed.

Sheesh, Abby...what did you do? She was chastising herself for the rest of the shift. She felt like she was fourteen. She would never be able to work with him again. Or in the same room with him. Or next to him. Her entire body burned with embarrassment whenever she thought about what she had done. And he was being so sweet. So caring. So...so...hot. Sheesh.


	13. Chapter 13 Luka and Carter

Abby came awake slowly and frowned as her eyes gradually adjusted to the dim light and she took in her surroundings. It wasn't immediately familiar. She wasn't in her own bed. She shifted carefully in the warm covers and glanced down at the man's hand that rested on the curve of her waist on top of them. She closed her eyes then and swallowed. She was at Luka's. She was in his bed at the hotel. Suddenly it all came flooding back. Their first date. Teasing over the foosball table at the bar. The walk through the chill night air at the Navy Pier. The mugger. Luka losing his carefully contained anger as the teenager waved the stick at her and tried to take her purse. Standing terrified together at the door of the trauma room as Carter and Dr. Corday struggled in a futile attempt to save the kid's life. Talking to the police. Worrying about where Luka was all during the next day. Confronting him in the ambulance bay and begging him to talk to her. Standing in front of him in his room last night and telling him he didn't need to talk. His sad and tortured eyes searching her's. His weary head resting against her chest as she ran her fingers through his hair. His fingers on her face...on her neck...gently caressing. His lips on her's. Her jacket sliding from her shoulders. Two lost and lonely souls merging together. But that was last night.

Abby carefully eased herself from under the covers and his hand. She found her slacks, sweater and jacket and slipped them back on. She found her way to the door and glanced back to see him sprawled on the bed, sleeping deeply. She pressed her lips together in a slight smile and closed the door behind her. She took a cab from the hotel to her apartment and showered and changed before going into work. She was busy all day in the triage 'cage' and didn't see him when he came in for his afternoon shift. Honestly she was glad about that. She had never done anything like she had the night before. It was too soon. Not too mention too weird considering what they had gone through the day before. He had killed a man. Protecting her. Actually... killed... a man. The thought was a bit frightening.

She didn't see him until she heading to get her things from her locker after she signed out at the end of her shift. He was working on a patient and waved her into the treatment room.

"Where did you go this morning?" he asked as he was jotting notes on the patient's clipboard. Abby eyed the sleeping drunk on the gurney warily and then shrugged.

"I had to go home and change...brush my teeth...you know," she said as her voice trailed off. Luka flashed her a half cocked smile.

"I'll buy you a toothbrush so you don't have to hurry away next time," he said. Abby blushed and put her hands on her hips.

"You seem pretty confidant that there will be a...next time," she said. Luka's eyes narrowed and he suppressed a grin. He signed the chart with a fluorish and set it on the end of the bed.

"You don't want there to be?" he asked as he folded his arms across his chest and looked down at her. "A...next time...I mean." Abby's cheeks reddened. She didn't know whether to be angry or embarrassed. She looked up at him and caught the twinkle in his eye and had a hard time not returning the smile. He snickered and shrugged.

"I'll buy my own toothbrush," she said as she turned away. "I'm pretty particular about the kind and the color anyway. Have a good night." Luka reached out and caught her hand.

"Thank you..." he said. "Won't be as much fun as last night however." Abby blushed and shook her head as she pulled her hand from his and headed toward the call room. She glanced back to see him watching her with a huge smile on his face. She laughed and shook her head as she waved.

And so that's the way it was. They came together at work, spent time together, slept together and did it all again. It was...comfortable. They never talked. Not about things that mattered anyway. He knew she didn't drink but he never asked why. She'd heard that he'd lost his family but she never asked how. Instead they just enjoyed the time they were together. She learned that Luka was a brooder. She never questioned his moods. He never questioned her's. Not like Carter. They talked. He knew about the drinking. When Maggie showed up Carter had been there to listen when she wanted to talk. She'd been horrified. Maggie had been off her meds, rapidly cycling through that manic period that had forever terrorized her and chewing up Abby's life along the way. She carmed everyone at work with bagels and coffee. She'd had a manic meltdown in the middle of a designer store. She'd had a melt down at the hospital. Screamed about being put in restraints. Disappeared from the hospital before a bed could be found for her. Like she had done many times before. Carter and Luka were both there...and in the end it was Luka that she'd gone home with. Luka had held her and then while he slept she'd gone into the bathroom to cry in private. He'd never known.

Sometimes she wished he would care enough to stake a claim on her. It was a conundrum actually. She wanted to be independent. She'd fought hard for that. And yet she wanted it to bother him when she chose not to be around him. She wanted him to care about it. Like the night Carter asked her to attend a Carter Family Fund raising function with him. Luka told her to go. Told her to have fun. And she did actually.

Carter had shown up in a tuxedo. He hadn't told her it was a formal affair. She didn't own a dress like that. He'd offered to buy her one. Then she dug deep in the recesses of her closet and found the dress she'd worn for her sister in law's wedding. It wasn't really the right color or style for her but it worked. They had even danced. Dinosaurs and dancing. She'd told him that she felt like she was back at her high school spring formal. He had laughed with her. And then Richard had appeared.

"Well, hello, Abby," he said. 'What are you doing here?" She studied the tux he was wearing. It was one that she had helped him select for a physician's banquet two years ago. She shook her head as he stared pointedly at Carter.

"John Carter..." she said. "This is... Richard." Carter was polite and nodded.

"And what are you doing here?" she asked. She almost blushed under his careful scrutiny.

"I'm here with Alexis," he said looking around and nodding. "She's getting our drinks." Abby glanced at the blonde he had indicated coming toward them.

"Ah...and is she old enough to drink?" Carter shifted uncomfortably next to her when she spoke. Richard shook his head and chuckled slightly.

"Shall we go in to dinner?" Carter asked as he offered his arm. Abby nodded.

"And where have I seen that dress before?" Richard smirked.

"You haven't," Abby said quickly.

"Oh...I think I have," he sighed thoughtfully. "Didn't you wear that in my sister's wedding?" Abby sighed flatly and smiled slightly.

"Always the gentleman, aren't you, Richard?" Carter had pulled her away before she had a chance to say anything else. And then had been so patient when she insisted on cruising the parking lot in their limo looking for Richard's car. When they found it, he became her reluctant ally as she let the air out of one of the tires. She'd slipped and bumped her head against Richard's car which set off the alarm. Carter had picked her up and practically thrown her into the limo. They had laughed and then stopped to look at one another, breathing hard as the limo sped away. It had been fun.

She hadn't really told Luka about it. He never asked. They never really talked. Not about things that mattered. But she knew that something unusual was happening with one of his patients...a Catholic Bishop with lupus. Luka didn't talk to her about him. But she knew. The night the Bishop died, something was different. He was more...at peace somehow. She'd been in OB with Dr. Greene and Dr. Corday. Luka had been working at the site of a train crash. He'd come to check on Corday...kind of dazed. She found him later... outside in the cold, looking up into the snowy branches of a tree. Looking for a forest. And the Bishop with lupus had died. They slept together that night. Snuggled close and exhausted. He'd wrapped his arms around her in his sleep and held her like he was never going to let her go. And the next morning it was back to the same as it was before. They saw each other at work. They spent time together. They slept together. And then did it all over again.


	14. Chapter 14 Maggie Redux

"Richard, is she answering the door?" Abby asked imaptiently. "Is she answering the door?" Richard glanced around the empty lounge uncomfortably and he reached into his pocket to pull out a card. The look on his face had changed. He looked as if were truely sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

"You really need to talk to this guy," he said quietly as he handed it to her. "I'm sorry, Abby." She turned the card over and over in her fingers for a few minutes even after she heard the lounge door close behind him.

It was happening again. Maggie had 'gone off the reservation' he had said. Abby didn't know if she should scream in frustration or cry. And she was livid to have found him chatting so amicably with Luka. That wasn't supposed to happen. Richard was yesterday and Luka was today. Two very separate pieces of her life brought together by...Maggie. She sighed heavily and looked at the name and number on Richard's note. Oklahoma. Again. Abby shook her head. She knew what was going to happen. She knew exactly what was going to be said.

Eight hundred dollars this time. Eight hundred dollars. Where was she going to get that? And the cost of a plane ticket. And the car rental for the drive back? Luka had it. He offered it to her, right before he said they could find a treatment center in Oklahoma...for her to wait until Maggie was on medication to see her. But Abby couldn't do that. She couldn't let strangers find her. Not in the condition that she knew she was in. No. She had to go to Oklahoma and bring her back to Chicago. Carter understood. He managed to find two seats on a flight to Tulsa. They drove to the motel.

It was exactly as it happened before. Maggie was in the grip of a major depressive meltdown. The motel room was filthy with several week's worth of dirty clothes and half empty food containers with spoiling food. Carter did everything he could to help. He paid the motel bill and a little extra because of the mess. He brought food and carried Maggie out to the car when she refused to leave.

Once Abby knew her mother was safe and taking the medication she had brought along, driving back to Chicago was almost enjoyable. She and Carter talked and laughed and playfully argued over which radio station to listen to. Abby didn't really pay attention to how deeply her mother was sleeping in the back seat of the car. Until they reached her apartment building. Then she couldn't wake Maggie up. They had both jumped into panic mode and Carter tore off toward the hospital with Abby in the back seat protecting her mother's airway.

The ER sprang into well honed action when the car careened into the ambulance bay. Abby was surrounded by competent, caring friends who worked to stabilize Maggie. She didn't see or notice them at all. All she could see was her mother, as close to death as anyone she had ever seen in that ER, on the bed in front of her. All the other times...all the moments when she had been afraid and frustrated...seemed to pale in comparison to seeing her mother dying...at last. How many times had she wished for that to happen? How many times had she wished for Maggie to disappear from her life forever? And now that such a moment was actually at hand, she was fighting for it not to happen. Terrified that it might. As she stood in the elevator next to Maggie's gurney when they were headed upstairs to the psych ward, her brown eyes flickered from one face to the other - Luka and Carter - standing at the elevator doors. They had fought so hard. Not for Maggie...but for her. She knew that. And now she couldn't stand the sight of either of them. They had both taken a peek into her very soul that night. It was a place she had never allowed anyone to enter. She was glad when the elevator doors slid shut and she could concentrate on the same pathway she had taken with her mother before...alone.

He brought her a cup of coffee as she sat outside her mother's hospital room. She shook her head and pulled the blanket closer around her. He tossed the cup into the garbage and sat next to her on the hard leather bench.

"They extubate her yet?" he asked. She nodded.

"She came off the drugs and started fighting the tube."

"Did you get a hold?" Abby nodded again.

"Ninety days," she said. "Legaspi saw her." She sighed.

"I should have listened to you," she said softly.

"It's going to be okay, Abby" he said.

"It's never going to be okay," she replied flatly. Luka glanced over and frowned slightly. He hesitated and then reached over to pat her hand. He threaded her fingers through his and held on tightly.

"Let me take you home," he said softly. She turned to look in the window where her mother was lying in bed.

"I think I should stay in case..." Luka shook his head.

"She'll sleep through the night," he said. "Come on. I'll take you home." Luka stood up and gently pulled her to her feet. He adjusted the hospital blanket around her shoulders and took her hand in his again. Abby looked up at him unsmiling and squeezed his hand. Luka nodded carefully and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead.

He took her home and fixed a pot of tea while she'd gotten ready for bed. He'd tucked her in as if she were a child again and then slept on her couch. She found him there the next morning, covered with the hospital blanket with his long legs hanging over the end of the couch. He looked so utterly ridiculous and so very, very sweet.

Maggie fought the psych hold and won. Abby had testified at the mockery of a hearing. 'Maggie on her meds' could convince anyone of anything...even that she had taken thirty six sleeping pills by 'accident'. Luka sat with her in the courtroom, held her hand, encouraged her to talk to her mother and in the end protected her right to vent frustration at the court's decision to release Maggie again. Luka had shared that with her. But she had gone alone to take Maggie's things to her as she was being released from the psych ward.

She said she was going to a shelter. She knew better than to expect Abby to take her in. Abby kept a tight rein on her emotions as she said good bye...until the next time. Maybe there won't be a next time, Maggie had said. That had been the last straw. Abby knew there would be and told her so. All of the rage and frustration that had been building up came pouring out. The next time, she would be there and again and would try to stop her again. Because she loved her. Crazy as it all was, Abby knew that she loved her.

"I love you, Mom," Abby said and turned to walk away. She went home in a daze. That realization was difficult to deal with. She loved her mother. All of her life Maggie had been a problem to be dealt with. Even when she was a little girl and was being tossed between fun Maggie and morose Maggie without understanding what was happening, she'd loved her. When she was a teenager and knew what was going on, that her life was different from that of her friends, that she had made different decisions than they did, she'd loved her. Maggie was all she had.

She thought about the scene she had part of in the psych ward as she soaked in a hot, hot tub of water...wanting to forget the entire day. How could Maggie even think that it might not happen again? How could she handle this on her own?

"Abby?" Luka tapped lightly on the bathroom door. "Are you all right in there?" She sighed heavily and slid completely under the water...away from everything.

When the water had cooled and she was sufficiently relaxed she stepped out of the tub and wrapped herself in her thick bathrobe. She tied the belt around her waist and stopped as she opened the door. The table was beautifully set for two. China and silverware gleamed against the white table cloth. Candles were burning in a candelabra in the center of the table. It was something she and Richard had gotten from a distant relative for a wedding present. They never used it and Abby didn't know why she had even kept it. Now, she knew she would never part with it. Luka sidled up close to her with a folded cloth napkin in his hands and she looked up at him with a sly smile.

"Have you been watching Martha Stewart again?" she asked. He grinned and nodded. She turned and wrapped her arms around his waist and leaned against him.

"Thank you for being there," she sighed. "And for being...here." Luka held her close for a long moment and Abby savored the feeling of his heart beating against her ear. She lifted her head as the knock came from the door.

"Is that the food?" she asked. Luka shrugged.

"What food?" he said. "I'm cooking it myself." She chuckled because she knew the contents of her cupboards and refrigerator. He would be making macaroni and cheese from a box most likely.

"If you ordered from that Thai place around the corner again..." She laughed as she opened the door. Her smile faded as she turned and saw her mother standing at the door.

"Abby...who is it?" Luka called from the kitchen. Maggie's eyes shifted to the candles on the table and the robe Abby was wearing.

"Mom..." Abby whispered as her eyes closed briefly.

"I...didn't know where else to go," Maggie said. "I wanted... to see you again. Make sure that you were okay. I can come back another time." Abby leaned against the door, not really knowing what to say.

"Abby..." Luka said again as he came out of the kitchen. His smile faded a bit when he saw Maggie at the door. He glanced at Abby and then back at her mother.

"You're just in time for dinner," he said. "Come. I'll set another place...and open another box if we need to. She has four more in her cupboard but not much of anything else." He held up the blue box of macaroni and cheese and grinned sheepishly. Maggie chuckled.

"That always was her favorite..." Maggie said softly and turned her eyes back to Abby. Abby sighed and tipped her head inward and Maggie smiled. Abbie closed the door behind her and leaned against it as she watched Luka set another place at the table as he talked with Maggie.

"Ketchup...right, Abby?" Maggie said as she glanced back at her warily.

"Oh...no...not on this too?" Luka groaned. "I have just gotten a little used to seeing her put it on the eggs!" Maggie laughed as she put the silverware at the place he'd set. Abby suppressed a smile, sighed and headed toward the table. Luka held out her chair for her to sit and hurried to hold Maggie's chair out for her. Maggie turned to Abby and nodded her head approvingly as Luka went into the kitchen for their dinner. Abby chuckled and shook her head.


	15. Chapter 15 Spilling Secrets

_Disclaimer: Some dialog borrowed from the ER episode 'Where The Heart Is'._

_Spilling Secrets_

"I want you to give your mother another chance," Legaspi had said. "Don't let her leave without really talking to her." Abby sighed as she settled herself on the el seat and thought about the day. Luka was bugging her to join the ER softball game. He missed her. She didn't really know why she didn't want to go. She loved playing softball when she was a kid. And she was good at it. He was right. One night away from Maggie wouldn't do any harm. And then she had gone to Maggie's counseling session with Legaspi. It had worried her. She didn't know what Maggie had been saying about...them. It always bothered her to think that perfect strangers had insight into what her life was like. And the session had been as bad as she expected. Maggie was leaving. Going back to Minnesota. She had made the plans herself. Abby didn't know what to think. She was angry that Maggie had told someone else before she'd told her. She was worried about her being alone so far away from anyone. Worried that she would go off her meds again. As much as she wanted to believe that Maggie was capable of handling things on her own, deep down she was afraid that she would be going through all of this again. Afraid? She was terrified. Terrified that she wouldn't be there next time.

Maggie was setting their table for dinner when she opened the door. Wonderful smells were coming from the kitchen. The super must have fixed the stove fan. They chatted aimlessly for a moment as she looked through the stack of mail. Invite Luka to dinner? He was playing softball. And then Abby looked up at her mother. The moment had arrived. Sorry about running out of the therapy session but it was scarey to hope too much. Maggie understood. She took a deep breath and told Abby that something had happened in ICU. She didn't want to die and more importantly, she didn't want her little girl to watch her die. Little girl? The hard knot in Abby's throat began to soften. A soft buzzing began in her ears. Maggie went on. She was going to manage her own life from now on and that Abby could get on with her own. Stop sitting things out. The buzzing began to get louder and louder. Go to med school. _That's not so easy._ Get married. _I was married. _Get pregnant. _I was pregnant!_

The shock of having finally said it aloud slapped them both. Abby couldn't look at her mother. The buzzing stopped and was replaced by the soft hum of the aspirator as that entire day flashed in front of her like a fast forwarded video tape. The panic. The worry. The sounds. The procedure. The cramping. The overwhelming sadness. What happened?

"I had an abortion," she said softly as she slipped to the edge of the couch. "Some people aren't meant to be mothers." She felt Maggie sitting beside her.

"Abby," she said. "I was a lot younger than you when I had my first manic episode. I have watched you since you were a little girl. You're not bipolar."

"No, but my kids could be."

"But they might not be...they could be anything...You just love them, that's all...You never even told Richard, did you?" Abby shook her head slowly.

"I think that was the beginning of the end for us. We stopped talking about everything." Abby's heart began to break into little pieces and pushed their way into her throat. "I just couldn't risk it..."

"Couldn't risk turning into me..." Abby nodded as her insides began to shake . "Or risk taking care of another me?" Abby nodded again and the pent up sobs began to choke her.

"Aw, honey..." Maggie said as she pulled Abby into her arms. "That's all life is, is risk. " Abby held herself stiffly as she fought the tears that were beginning to flow.

" You're going to miss out on all the good things in life," she was saying. "And you deserve all of the good things, Abby. All of the good things." Abby nodded and began to relax a little in her mother's arms. For the first time in a long, long while, she felt like the child again. A child with a mother instead of the other way around.

They sat together for a long time as she cried. As they cried together. Cried for everything that she had gone through alone. Cried for her lost childhood. Cried for the loss of her marriage. Cried for her lost child. Just cried. And Maggie held her. Tight. Until she was finished. She was exhausted. And then she suddenly wanted to see him. Wanted to be with him again.

She dug through the boxes her closet and found her softball glove. They left their dinner untouched on the table and took a cab to the baseball fields in the city park. Maggie waited to get a hot dog at the concession stand but Abby made her way to the fencing along the field and looked for him. A smile traced her lips as she saw him crouching in the infield with his cap on backwards, trying to look like he'd been playing the game forever. She waved.

He straightened when he saw her standing there, waved and then bent back down as Malucci drew his attention back to the game. He trotted over to her when the batter struck out.

"Change your mind?" he asked.

"Yep," she said. "Even brought my own glove."

"Hey, Abby...you playing?" Malucci asked as he hung a bat on the fence. Abby nodded.

"Then choose your weapon. You're up after Carter." Luka looked up as Maggie approached with a small box of food and drinks.

"You brought your mom?"

"I didn't know you played softball," Maggie said to him.

"I don't," Luka shrugged. "I'm last in the batting order."

"You should put Abby up," Maggie said as she shifted the food in her hands. "She was an all star in little league."

"What about you?"

"I'm just going to watch," she said as she headed toward the empty stands. "An all star?" he asked as Abby smiled and began to test the baseball bats along the fence.

"I like you in that hat," she said.

"Almost look American, eh?"

"Almost..." she chuckled. Luka grinned and took her glove from her as she stepped into the on deck circle and swung the bat.

They lost the game. But it wasn't for lack of enthusiasm. Maggie was cheering from the stands. Luka ran the bases...on a foul ball. And Abby laughed for the first time in a long while. Maggie was going to take a cab back to the apartment after the game but Carter insisted on driving her. Abby and Luka went for a walk along the Lake Michigan shoreline. It was a cool night but they sat together on a bench, snuggled together, and looked at the stars above them. There was something different about her now. Luka could sense that.

"She's leaving in a couple of days," Abby said as he adjusted his arm and picked up one of her hands in his. "For Minnesota."

"She's going home?" he said. She nodded.

"Yeah. Alone." Abby looked up at him and smiled a little. He took note of the worried lines on her forehead and kissed her there.

"She's a big girl," he said. "She can handle it." Abby chuckled.

"Like she has in the past? Right..." Luka sighed and squeezed her hand.

"If she doesn't...we'll be there."

"We will?" Abby cocked an eyebrow and frowned slightly.

"We...will." She smiled slightly at his response. So final. So determined. She nestled in his arms and looked out at the dark line of Lake Michigan. She listened to the waves breaking against the shore and to the sound of his heart beating against her ear. She sighed.


	16. Chapter 16 Relationship Reflections

_Relationship Reflections _

Why did relationships have to be so complicated? Why wasn't it simple? I love you. You love me. Where was it written that people had to go through so much to find happiness together? And who was to decide which two were meant to be together? With Luka it seemed simple. He was just there. But that presence could be taken for granted...and was...by both of them. Their fight had been horribly hurtful. They'd said things without meaning to but there was no going back. Now, several months later, they seemed to have evolved into a comfortable friendship of sorts. Carter. Well, that was a different kind of story. They tapped danced around one another for a good long while. She gave him lots of opportunities to initiate something but he always backed off. She honestly thought that he thought Luka was still in the picture. And he wasn't. Not like that anyway.

Abby stared intently at herself in the bathroom mirror and ran her fingers through her dark hair. Today was her birthday...and she was alone. She closed her eyes and groaned inwardly as she heard the verbal abuse and yelling continue from the other side of the wall. The new neighbors were not making any friends in the building. She shivered pondered the idea of skipping her shower. The apartment was freezing and by the looks of things through the window it wasn't any better outside. February. 'Welcome to Chicago' indeed.

She was hurrying through the ambulance bay when Susan Lewis stopped her and told her to bring the patient in off the coach. She wasn't even checked in yet but she was wearing a coat. The day was off to a great start. Whoop.

The ER was freezing. A frozen homeless guy with Black Hawk tickets in his pocket died in the trauma room. A lost little boy with a missing mother had spent the night in chairs. And then Richard. He just showed up and wanted to take her for a cup of coffee. Had he remembered that it was her birthday? Hardly. He didn't remember it when they were married.

They walked across the street to Doc Magoo's, sat at the counter and ordered hot coffee. It wasn't any warmer in there than it was at the hospital.

"You look great," he said.

"I guess shift work becomes me," she said with a curious grin.

"Seeing anybody?"

"Oh yeah..." she smirked. "I'm breaking hearts all over town." Richard chuckled and shook his head. The small talk was a little disconcerting. She studied his profile curiously.

"So...what do you want...X?" she asked. He frowned a little and listened to her silly sarcastic litany of the uses of 'X'. Poison. Ecstacy. Porn. Ex-husbands. She was immediately contrite. He looked a little hurt. That surprised her. She hadn't really thought of him being vulnerable...ever. No, he always seemed to take advantage of her own vulnerability.

"I didn't want you to hear this from someone else," he said. Her first thought was that he was going to jail. He just shook his head and frowned at her. No, he was getting married again. To a Teacher with a child. He was going to be a father. Her mind was reeling. Richard. Married again? A father? Why should that bother her? Well, all told, maybe it didn't. It was actually decent of him to tell her himself. And he wasn't smirking about it. He was just sharing some news with...a friend. But, why today of all days? He didn't remember. But then, why should he? She wasn't a part of his life any more. And he wasn't a part of her's. She studied his profile again. So this was really it. The door between them was really going to close. Was she supposed to give him some sort of blessing or something? She wasn't sure what to say so she got up to leave. As she walked away she stopped and turned back to him.

"Richard," she said. He turned to look at her.

"I hope it's works out this time." He smiled at her, a little wistfully and nodded. She nodded and pulled her hat closer on her head and went back to the ER.

The cold had kept the craziness at bay for most of her shift. They had found Douglas' mother. She was in the morgue. Abby took him to see her there and then worked with Frank trying to find a relative to take him till his father arrived from Australia. Weaver was demanding that she call Social Services to come for him. Dr. Gallant was making her crazy running every treatment option he was thinking past her. He had a patient that was insisting that he be moved to another hospital. Abby went with him and as she pulled back the curtain she cringed. She was looking into the face of the psych patient that had stabbed Carter and killed Lucy Knight.

"I didn't want to come here," he said suddenly as he realized she recognized him. "The paramedics...they brought me here."

She did everything she could to keep Carter from learning that Paul Sobricki was there. But in the end, it didn't matter. He was angry with her for trying to keep it a secret. Just as he would have been angry at her for telling him. Irregardless, it closed a door between them as well. Closed? More like slammed. She asked him to go with her for dinner... or maybe just coffee and pie? He'd refused. So she'd gone home alone.

Her neighbor was waiting on the staircase as she got her mail. Abby sat on the steps with her and went through the stack in her hand. There were cards from her mother and Eric mixed in with the usual bills and advertisements. And another familiar heavy cream colored envelope. She still couldn't bring herself to spend the money Richard's mother sent her, not as regularly now, and didn't quite know how to return it. She wondered how much longer Jacqueline would continue to send it after Richard's news today. Soon she would have another daughter in law. Maybe it was time for another door to close as well.

"A beer?" Joyce was asking. Abby shook her head a little and sent her thoughts spinning away.

"What?"

"Want a beer? You look like you could use one." Joyce handed her an open bottle and Abby looked at it for a moment and then took it in her hand. Joyce was going on about the cards she had gotten and asked if it was her birthday. Abby stared at the bottle in her hand and then lifted it carefully to her lips for a sip.

"Um...yes," she murmured when Joyce asked again if it was her birthday.

"Congratulations," her neighbor smiled. "You made it!" Abby just chuckled and took another tenuous sip from her bottle.

They sat on the steps for a moment longer and then Abby said she needed to warm up in her apartment. She carried the mail - and the bottle - inside and turned on the lights. She dropped the mail on her table and tossed her coat, hat and mittens onto the couch. She checked the thermostat and shivered as she hurried into her bedroom and changed into her flannel pajama pants and a sweater. She stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror and ran her fingers through her dark hair. This day had totally sucked. Douglas. Abby cringed a little when she remembered his cries as the Social Services worker tore him out of her arms to take him to a foster home for the night. Gallant. She'd finally told him off...set him on the road toward being a real doctor. That was one good thing that had happened. And Carter? Maybe it was just as well. She was getting tired of waiting. Tired of canoodling with him. Abby chuckled a little. Canoodling? Where had that come from? She reached for her toothbrush and toothpaste and looked at herself in the mirror again.

"Happy birthday, kiddo," she whispered and shook her head.


	17. Chapter 17 Jacqueline

_Jacqueline_

Abby grimaced as she studied the state of her black eye and bruised nose in her compact. The foundation she had used hadn't covered much. She probably shouldn't have made this lunch date with Richard's mother until it was all gone. A week ago she'd thought it would be. She snapped the compact shut and slipped it back into her purse in her lap and glanced around her. They'd decided on a small restaurant she and Richard used to frequent. Memories were tumbling all around her. Good ones though. That was nice for a change. There was a lot to be said for this moving on stuff.

She smiled and lifted her hand in a wave as she saw Richard's mother come in the door. Jacqueline smiled broadly as she spoke to the hostess, never taking her eyes off her, and then crossed the room toward her. Abby stood up and smiled. Wordlessly Jacqueline drew her into a snug embrace and hugged her. Abby closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around her former mother in law. She grinned as Jacqueline held her back at arms' length, checked her over and then hugged her again.

"You look beautiful," Jacqueline said as they finally sat down and drew their chairs up to the table. "I love your hair long again." Abby shrugged and drew a strand of her hair back over her ear.

"You look...the same." Jacqueline laughed and reached across the table to take her hand.

"Now tell me about your eye," she asked. Abby chuckled and shrugged.

"There's nothing to tell really. I got in the way of a neighbor and his wife," she sighed. Jacqueline frowned worriedly.

"But she's safely away now," Abby went on. "And so is he."

"And you're still in the same apartment?" Abby blushed a little.

"I stayed with a...friend...for a couple of weeks," she said. "But I'm back home now." Jacqueline studied her for a moment and then shifted her eyes to the menu in front of her. They placed their order with the waitress and then sat in silence for a long moment.

"Richard came to see me," Abby said finally. "He told me his news." Jacqueline's eyebrows went up and she nodded approvingly.

"Corrinne. She's a lovely woman," she said. "I think he's happy." Abby nodded.

"I'm glad," she said. And surprisingly, she was.

"He told me that you had quit medical school," she said. Abby shrugged.

"I just decided not to go back," she said. "Nursing's not so bad. I like what I do."

"Really?" Jacqueline scrutnized her again. Abby blushed and then nodded.

"I really do," she said. "I get to take more time with patients than a doctor does. I can really make a difference for them..." Jacqueline's expression didn't change. Abby laughed.

"Stop that," she chuckled. They straightened as a waitress set their coffee in front of them. Abby took a deep breath and reached for her purse.

"I needed to talk to you about...these," she said as she drew out the stack of envelopes she had tied with a ribbon. She set them in front of Jacqueline. "I can't accept them." Jacqueline picked the stack up in her hands and fingered the red ribbon that had been tied into a bow. She looked up at Abby and then handed them back to her.

"Yes, you can," she said softly. "It's just...money."

"I appreciate it, Jacqueline, but..." Jacqueline pressed the stack of envelopes back into her hands.

"Someday...maybe even soon now... you are going to make a decision that is going to change your life," she said firmly. "I want to be a part of that. I am not your mother in law any more, Abby, and if this is the only way I can share that with you...then so be it." Abby studied the stubborn fire in her blue eyes - so much like Richard's - and sighed. She slipped the envelopes, each holding a five hundred dollar bill, back into her purse.

"Thank you," she said softly and her shoulders sagged a little.

"Now, you put that money in a bank account until you are ready to use it...where it can earn some interest," Jacqueline ordered and glared at her playfully. Abby laughed as a salad was set before both of them.

"Did Richard tell you that Becca is having another baby?" Jacqueline said as she lifted her fork to the salad in front of her.

"Another one?" Abby's eyes widened. " I didn't know she had any."

"Yes...this one is coming any day now," Jacqueline smiled. "She's has a lovely little girl, Rachel, who is a two year old terror and Ryan is finally getting serious about someone..." Abby sighed happily as she immersed herself in the news of the family that she was once a part of.


	18. Chapter 18 New Beginnings

_Dialog between Abby and Richard is from Season 10's 'Shifts Happen'. I do not own this dialog, these characters or anything else from 'ER'. I just borrow them on occasion._

Why did people expect you to change so much when you loved them? She didn't think that it affected her like it did. It wasn't like she had had a lot of serious relationships in her life anyway. There were just three... Richard...John Carter...and Luka. Three men in her life.

With Carter she had thought about it a lot. She felt like he wanted her to change. He said he wanted to 'help' her. They had fun together usually. It was so...white bread. Sheesh. What did that really mean anyway? She was never quite sure what he wanted her to be. She tried to fit into his world and still retain who she was. She thought he liked that. He'd said he even wanted to marry her...one night on top of the roof. There was a helicopter coming in, it was freezing and he'd shouted it at her. She had even seen the ring in the pocket of his jacket later. And she probably would have said yes. But in the end it didn't work for either of them. He'd found his heart working in Africa. He was still there.

And Luka. Sometimes it felt as if she were attached to him by some kind of rubber band. She would meander off to find a new point in her life and snap right back to him. Then off she would go again. Kind of like one of those paddle ball toys that she and Eric played with when they were little. They could talk to one another...sort of. She could scold him and he listened...sort of. But he hadn't listened when she asked him not to go to Africa. She had been so devastated when they heard he'd been killed. Only Susan really know how much that had affected her. And now that he was back...well...it was back to the same. He had other women in his life now. But they were still friends.

She had given a huge part of her life to Richard. They had been young and in love. She had been naive. She never thought she could ever be described as 'naive'. Especially having grown up with Maggie in the house. But she had been exactly that with Richard. She actually thought there was the possibility of a 'happily ever after' with him. She had loved him. She had had a life with him like she thought 'normal' people did. They planned together, worked together...and for what? Whose fault had it been that it hadn't worked? His? Hers? Theirs? Probably. Well, there was one last thing he was going to have to do for her.

She almost turned back. She stood for a moment and looked up that the elegant front stoop of Richard's home. She took a deep breath and headed up the steps. She pushed the doorbell and waited. She turned away as the door opened and his wife stood in front of her. She had the baby balanced on her hip.

"Uh...hi," Abby said. "Is Richard home?" Corrine didn't smile. She just called for him over her shoulder and then glared at her.

"It's your ex wife," she said. Abby tried smiling and then sighed.

"How old is he now?" she asked as she tipped her head toward the baby.

"Sixteen months," his mother said. They both looked up as Richard plodded toward the door and then Corrine carried the baby away.

"Abby," Richard groaned. "It's eight o'clock in the morning."

"I know and I'm sorry," she said. "I just finished a night shift and I need to have you sign this." She handed the loan application papers to him. Richard glanced at them and then back at her.

"Why don't you just file for bankruptcy?"

"I am not in trouble," she said. "I just want your signature."

"Abby..."

"Look, I didn't take anything." she said. "I didn't take the house or the furniture..."

"You could have."

"But I didn't," she said. "You have gotta know how hard this is for me, Richard. I just... want... your... signature." He scowled and then looked at her for a long moment. He took the pen that she held out and signed the papers.

"Thank you," she said quietly and turned away from him. He watched as she hurried down the steps and up the sidewalk away from him. There was a determined bounce to her step. Richard chuckled a little bit and shook his head. She wasn't a part of his life any more but she would never cease to intrigue him.

It didn't take much to get back in the program. She wrote a check to the registrar and she was assigned to a rotations cycle. Surgery this time. Under Dr. Corday. Her very first day she was sent down to the ER for a consult. Alone. And it was exhilarating. Especially to see their faces when they found out. Susan Lewis was thrilled. Pratt was approving. Dr. Romano was horrified. And Luka? He had grinned. Had told her that the white coat looked good on her. But there had been something else in his eyes that she couldn't quite pin down.

He was waiting for her in the ambulance bay when she signed out. He was sitting on the bench by the back door... just waiting.

"Hey... " he said as she shuffled into her jacket and jumped.

"'Ah! You scared me!" she laughed. Luka stood up and chuckled as he straightened the jacket collar closer around her neck.

"How was your first shift?" Abby snorted as they turned toward the ambulance bay entrance to the street.

"In surgery or in the ER?" Luka shook his head and chuckled a little.

"Don't let Romano get to you. You're going to do great." Abby looked up at him and shook her head.

"It's going to take a while...but I feel good about it. It's the right time." She took a deep breath and smiled a little as she let it out. Luka reached back and drew her pony tail from the back of the jacket and let his fingers linger on the silky softness.

"Can I take you somewhere? For a... celebration...dinner?" he asked. She grimaced and slowly shook her head.

"I have to study tonight. I was just going to get some take out and go home," she said. "Another time maybe?" He frowned in disappointment and then nodded.

"Sure," he sighed.

"You can walk me to the el..." she offered. He chuckled and took her hand firmly in his. Abby wasn't quite sure what to make of him at the moment. He was quiet as they walked out onto the darkened street toward the steps to the el. He didn't talk at all and when she stepped up on the el station steps they were eye level with one another. His dark eyes searched her face in the dim light.

"I was...uh...thinking...remembering, really," he began. She stopped and leaned back against the staircase railing.

"Remember that day...when we...uh...welll...uh...in the ambulance bay?" Abby laughed and nodded.

"Oh, yeah...how could I forget?" She blushed slightly. She had kissed him then. For the first time.

"Before that...when I asked you if Lockhart was your name or his?" She nodded.

"DOCTOR Lockhart has a nicer sound to it," he smiled affectionately. Abby grinned at him and leaned in to kiss his cheek. Now she knew what she had seen in his eyes before. It was pride. Simple and pure pride. In her.

"You owe me a dinner," she said softly.

"Have your secretary call mine," he replied as he caressed her cheek. She grinned and watched as he turned to walk down the street to the public garage where his car was parked and waved back at her.

"Dr. Lockhart..." she grinned and shook her head. Jacqueline had been right about making a decision that would change her life. She straightened her shoulders and hurried up the steps to the el station. She had a long night of books ahead of her. Might as well get started.

_Thus this story comes to an end. I like to bring things full circle and have enjoyed exploring Abby's relationship and life with Richard. Thank you for your diligent support and reviews. It's the only thing that keeps me writing!_


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